To be confined in the infirmary for more than two hours with a high blood pressure ranging from 150/100-120/100.

It has only been two weeks in LaSalle and it seemed as if it was already hell week. Well, for me at least. And yesterday was the culmination of everything. From some major subjects, TLS work, DLSP and some personal issues, everything was in chaos.

It seemed as if I was not in control. And that is very bad for a person like me. I live by the spirit of carpe diem and yet I walk on a thin line in life, balancing everything from school, organizations, friends and even relationships. Just like those who perform in circuses. And like them if for one moment I would lose concentration I too would fall and I would fall very hard. Yesterday was just that. I guess it was my all time low for the school year.

I tried to resolve my problem by talking to my friends but that didn’t work. I tried to eat something. But that didn’t work either. And as a last resort I went to my old time friends whom I tried to forget for so long; dun hill & west. With a light or two, bliss. Yes, momentary satisfaction. For one moment in time I was back in control.

Or so it seemed. As the last stick lit lost its effect, everything just went back to the way they were maybe even worse. By then, Gela, Jeremy and I were already at the amphitheater. As the two love birds were enjoying their time together, I tried not to think much to lessen the uneasiness building up within me.

But that was impossible. I’m a thinker. It was my nature to imagine, to dream and to remember. Yet, the thoughts that flooded thoughts were not as positive as one could imagine. Problems and issues, from school, to work, and people were swirling around head. “Think of something happy Kikz.” I told myself. But nothing came to mind. If there was any, it would just be countered by some problem that went with it. It reminded me of the conversation that Aaron and I had a couple of hours back…

“Have you seen Ren & Stimpy?” I asked Aaron. “Yep” he nodded in approval. “They are retards right?” He then snickered in agreement. “But you know what, sometimes I envy them. Well Stimpy at least. His retarded/uncomplicated way of thinking makes him happy even at worst part of his life.”


Why do I always have to carry the world’s problem behind my back? It’s not like people expect me to do so anyway.

Finally, the cold sweat, nausea and the feeling of vomiting soon took hold of me. It was time to go to the infirmary. The lady there told me that as I arrived I was as white as a ghost and very cold. They gave a medicine that lowered my blood pressure which eventually brought some calm to me. But I still had to wait. It was not safe for me to move just yet. They told me that had I stayed at the 150 range any longer it would have been very dangerous.

As my parents picked me up, since I did not have the energy nor was it really okay for me to go home alone, they reminded me that hypertension was a family trait. But for as young as 19 like me to have it was very wrong.

“You will have to change your lifestyle Francis.” Mom told me. “I don’t know what you are trying to prove with everything that you’re doing.” Dad said about my work with TLS and DLSP. "You are to young to be stressed. You're too serious." (Ahhh yes that word again...serious.) And they both agreed that I had to give up on some of things that I was doing TLS, DLSP, orgs etc. I didn’t bother to say a thing. I was tired and eventually doze of to sleep.

...it goes...

Reach for the star/s and you'll fall on the moon...

riight...I got it now haha!

This past couple of months I think I have been living in dreamland. I have been trying to do the impossible and try to live in the extreme. I have been doing things I do not normally do. It’s no surprise then how I was able to achieve taking photos of Manila Pen and those other tiring assignments. But it now seems that this train is running out of steam.

Photographer’s block? (If there is such a thing) No. That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s everything really.

Ever had that experience that you’re trying to push something that’s almost impossible to move but you still push it anyway? Like pushing a boulder for instance. You know you can’t push it but you still push it anyway. Why? Because you’re crazy enough to do it.

Then again it’s not so bad. You eventually gain something by doing it like having a lot of friends, experiencing new things and so on. But soon it will get to you. Like it got to me.

It got to me in so many ways. But the one thing that really got to me was a question that my mother asked a couple of days ago, which was “what do you want?”

She was quite concerned with the fact that I was going home late everyday coming from school or work in DLSP and TLS or rarely from spending some time with friends. As I would arrive home I would drop everything and just fall flat on the bed and sometimes even go to sleep all together. And once dinner came, I had to drag my half a sleep self to the table barely trying to eat the food which she meticulously prepared. (It’s therefore no surprise how bad my cold has become. It’s been a month already.)

Seeing all of this, I guess mom could not help but ask…what do I really want to do? And for once I could not give a witty answer to her question. All I can say was, “I’m still trying to find that one out. It’s not easy to decide on something that will dictate your life for quite some time.”

But the question did not only struck me in matters of choosing a course but even deeper. Leading to deeper questions. What will make me happy? Where will I be happy? Am I happy?

A friend of mine told me once, it’s good and great that you make other people happy, but at some point you have to be selfish too. You have to make yourself happy too.

That’s when I realized that maybe it is time for me to get out of this dreamland. And be realistic for once. May be it is time for me to stop dreaming and live. Like really live.

I guess that’s what’s been keeping me from being happy: I dream too much, I think too much and I am too much of an idealist. May be it is time for me to just do things and not to think much about the consequences and be a bit more (though not totally) of a deontologist. A deontologist is someone that puts morality (defined as the pursuit of happiness) more into the action rather than the consequence.

**a compilation of events**

My friends pointed something out lately that I guess I have been denying for quite some time now. And it was the fact that history was repeating itself. The thought seemed as if reality drove a speeding truck through me as I truly and honestly believed that she is the one. That she will be the lone girl that I'd be devoting my time, money, work and most importantly love to. But now, I really don't know...

They made a point when they said that all that I've been doing is simply to drain myself of everything that I have for someone and not much is happeneing. I used to dismiss that through a belief that love is not about asking for something in return but giving your all without expecting anything in return. We can only hope that it will.

This belief has cost me a lot in High School as my friends pointed out. Three plus years for what? For nothing but heartaches, wasted money and wasted precious time with friends and many more, they said.

But it wasn't all too bad I guess. Indeed, I did feel those things back in the day. But it too also brought me the best mornings that I've ever had with her simple greetings of good morning. It made me hope and dream. It gave me the inspiration and motivation to do things.

And again they pointed out, "like how you feel now." (Ouch!) Garrucho, you never change. You will always be that hopeless romantic that would do anything for the girl he loves: even if the girl does not like you. That's probably the part of cee(my HS Block) that will never change in you. You went to LaSalle to have a new lease on life. To actually have a tabula rasa(clean slate), the one Mr. Layug was talking about. Yet here you are now, still the same old Kiko when it comes to relationships.

I made a promise back then that I will not repeat the same mistakes that I did back in High School. Not only in matters of relationship but with my life. Yet here I am now, in the same dilemma as before and I ask myself: What do you do? What do you do when people say that you look good together?What do you do if you give your all and it seems nothing much is happenening? What do you do if people sat it's already too much? What do you do if people say you should just giveup and move on? And yet you think it's not yet the time...you don't want to just yet. What do you do if she may likes someone else other than you? Or simply if she may not feel the same with you? What do you do?

...

...

...

...I will love...

crazy? Stupid? I guess so, but again I say love is not about asking for something in return but giving your all without expecting anything in return. We can only hope that it will. This is me, this is who I am, this is what I believe in and this is what has allowed me to survive and achieve some great things in the past.

Though this belief is a double edge sword which has a tip laced with poison that is so lethal that rarely would a man dare use it, I would still do. Simply because not to do so is to deny who I am and what the truth is: which is the fact that I am in love.

I used to say to my young chapter members in Youth for Christ: "once you love someone truly they will be with you for a long-long time no matter what they have done to you because they have moved you and become a part of you. And that, principle is the same when it comes to relationships. There are times that you can't help but think of your ex because you know that at some point in your life you have truly loved them and that you were happy. The pain however will fade in time because you will experience more love through others." (ahh YFC days...)

So what do you(I) do?

simple...

...I will continue to love...

**haha omg! I did not think that this thing would be so long. I sound like a preacher here but believe me I'm no expert. These are just some things that I've observed, learned and probably even discerned at some point in my life**

WISH

As I look to the stars above
I wonder if you feel this too
This longing for the love
That I have been hoping to give to you

Longing for the day that I could hold you tight
To let you know that everything will be alright
Hoping for the day that we will be together
Holding hands, making this is forever

But until that day time comes
I have a simple wish so true
For you to be happy and safe
Where ever you are and whatever you do

Oh how I miss you.
Cant you see?
But I'll wait,
no matter how long or painful it could be

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The problem with me is the fact that I can't be honest with my feelings.

The truth is, I like her. And I like her A LOT. So much so, that almost everything that I have done up to now has always been in some way associated with her directly or indirectly.

It has almost been a year since I have met her and almost a year that I've gone out of my way to get to know her even more. It is rare for someone to make me do something like this; I can only count a few in one hand. But I'm not regretting it at all.

Because of her, because of this feeling I was able to enjoy life in DLSU even more. I was able to achieve feats that I never thought I would or could have.

Such example would be TLS. Yes, Misch and the others recruited me to join TLS but I wasn’t decided. I had not experience nor had any inkling as to what I can do there. But as soon as I found out that she joined I didn’t hesitate. And because of joining TLS, I was able to experience many unforgettable things and not to mention that I was able to realize my interest for photography. (from the conversation that Jeff and I had last night)

Honestly, yes she is beautiful but I know a lot more beautiful women than her. But for me, she is gorgeous simply because she isn’t just another pretty face by the road. No, she's more than that. Her beauty encompasses both physical and personality. She is kind, God fearing, loving, honest, smart, dedicated, hardworking, all the positive adjectives you can think of she is that. Unlike those other women that I know. I can even go far as to say that she is divine.

That's what makes her special to me.

But heck! What's the use of all these rambling if cant tell it to her? What's the use if I cant say that I love her for who she is...